Back in Vegas for work. Been here since last Sunday.
And like last time, it’s been a pretty cool experience. The only negatives include my vending machine nightly dinners . .and the dude that followed me to my car at Starbucks only to give me the oldest line in history. I mean come on . .if you’re going to follow a girl to her car you should at least come up with something original!
Here is how our conversation went:
Him: Excuse me . .is your name Lindsay?
Me: Nope
Him: Oh . .you look so familiar. I thought you were the Lindsay I used to work with. What’s your name?
Me: Holly . .I’m not from around here. I’m here on business.
Him: Oh for how long?
Me: until Friday
Him: Would it be too forward of me to ask you out for drinks?
Me: (taken aback) um.. no not forward . .but I do have dinner/meetings the rest of the week . .but thanks for the invitation.
Oh and to answer the question I’m sure ya’ll are dying to know . . NO he wasn’t my type. Not ugly by any means . .but just not my type.
Other than that, the highlights of my trip include meeting up and talking to people that I work with on a daily basis via phone or email. The fun lunches. Driving around and getting to know Vegas. And last but not least, having dinner with an old friend from highschool.
OH I suppose there is one more thing. . .the hotel I’m staying at? Has the BEST continental breakfast. Their cinnamon rolls are to DIE for. I wake up excited every morning knowing that I am 30 min away from eating one with a fresh cup of coffee. YUM.
And ok I have to admit. Traveling by myself . .makes me feel as if I’ve finally become an adult 
It’s amazing that at 27 . .just a few years shy of 30 . .how I still very much feel like I did in college. . . only better because now I can financially and comfortably live on my own . and not have any homework.
I can do what I want, when I want. I have the freedom and the ability to save my money, go on trips, drink starbucks on a daily basis and buy really expensive jeans with cute shoes to dress’em up.
I’m not limited or tied down. I’m not over planned or in serious need of knowing “what lies ahead”.
I’m not living my life on some “timeline” dictated by society.
I’m a free bird. Finally living MY LIFE.
The life I’ve always dreamed of.
And THAT makes me smile.
I love Sundays.
And I love my home. I scored a free (OAK!) dining room table . . .just perfect for my cute little dining room area. For months I had a huge empty space creating a hole into the warm energy I had been trying to create. But no more. This free dining room table has completed my home. It’s amazing how whole it has made me feel. Totally weird.
Here is what I really think . . . dining room tables are essential. I believe that every home needs one. A table is where friends and family gather around for food. For laughter. For everything. A table is a gathering place. And finally I have one. And that . .makes me feel complete.
I want family and friends gathered around my table.
Oh and someday a cute floor rug to be placed under the table
Good Lord . . it’s just been one of those weeks where my true self has no problem baring any and all weaknesses.
If I were you . . I’d stay away. Far away actually.
But if you want a sneak peak without actually standing in the physical wrath of my irritation, here goes:
I burned my cornea over the weekend. Not the greatest feeling in the world. It hurt like hell actually. I got the pleasure of wearing my glasses for a few days. I’m not blind. So that’s good. But I’m still irritated. What can I say? In my world where the biggest problem is my cell phone dying . . I’m going to just come out and admit that trivial sh*t challenges my patience.
Of course give me something REAL to cry about and I promise I can pull myself together rather quickly.
I also somehow . .hurt my tongue. It hurts. I think I bit it. But I can’t remember. Either way. I’m annoyed.
I just scarfed three good sized donuts. They tasted great going down. But three hours later they are still sitting in my belly. . .daring me to try that again in the future.
Oh and have I mentioned the phone? OMG. If it rings one more time I think I might just pull out the last few strands of my hair. And yes I know . .the phone ringing is job security. I get that. But what about the stupid people on the other end of the line? Does that have to be included in that job security package? Can’t I just tell them off? PLEASE?
MEN. I’m done with you. Ex- Husband. Father. Friend. WHO EVER. If you have a penis. . . .don’t come near me. I’ll chop it off.
Don’t you ever wonder . . what’s behind every smile?
When I look back at pictures of myself. . .it’s amazing how I can remember with such clarity the lack of feeling behind some of my smiles.
Sometimes I feel smiles are like clothes. They only cover up what’s really hidden underneath. And sometimes a smile or a really cute pair of jeans can do the trick to make a person feel better for just a bit.
But the truth always comes back.
And sometimes . . . if you truly know a person you can tell when the smile they are wearing just doesn’t cut it. Most often you can see the truth reflected in their eyes. Or in the tension around their jaw.
I suppose there is really no point to this post.
Other than the fact that sometimes the truth is kept tucked away. Hidden.
For what? And furthermore . .From what? Who knows. But most often what appears on the outside can have very little to do with what’s actually tumbling around on the inside.
So dig deep. Look past the smiles.
I’ve learned that falling asleep with a light on can bring comfort.
I’ve learned that turning the radio on as sooon as I get up or as soon as I get home can fill the silence and lighten the mood.
I’ve learned that wrapping my “horse blankie” around me like a burrito can calm even the most anxious heart.
I’ve learned a phone call or an email to a loved one can fill my cup to the brim with love and laughter (maybe even a few tears).
I’ve learned that coming into work and finding fresh bagels and a pot of coffee ready to go . . instantly brightens my mood.
I’ve learned that taking care of yourself (which includes looking good) on the outside is just as important as taking care of yourself on the inside. On all levels.
I’ve learned that the moments you realize you’re not in control . . . can remove even the heaviest of burdens.
I’ve learned that doing just about anything in the nude is liberating
I’ve learned that silence and stillness is an essential part of life. Daily distractions are band aids we use to get through the day . . .but we need to take them off once in awhile to begin the healing process of our deepest wounds.
And so far? Most of all? I’m learning about me. And I love her.
It’s been raining all week. And I love it.
On the way home from the gym today . . . . I couldn’t wait to get home, shower, throw on some comfy sweats, grab my favorite wine, and cuddle down on the couch with Season 4 of Sex and the City.
The best night ever.
And you know what else? I wasn’t sad or aching for the past. I sincerely loved the present moment and couldn’t wait for the future.
Sometimes I feel it’s almost scary how content I’ve become. Which of course doesn’t mean there still aren’t some tough moments. There are. But there are no longer tough days. Just moments. And those usually occur after having come in contact with Ben. I still love and care for him very much on a familial level. I always will.
I just feel so warm and cozy and content at this very moment . . . . and I couldn’t wait to blog about it.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to blog about content moments.
Actually I can’t even remember the last time I felt content.
Now . if only I hadn’t run out of wine 
Wow.
I think this year will forever be etched in my memory.
For those of you who have read my blog for the past few years and have wanted to know what in the hell I was searching for . . well let’s just say I finally found it . . . ME.
I was searching for myself. I was buried under a blanket of lies. A wool of past choices seamed together by justifications to keep the truth smothered.
And why?
Because sometimes the truth is hard to face. It’s scary. It’s ugly. It’s gut wrenching, heart breaking, and pain numbing.
And I was a coward. A coward with good intentions. But a coward nonetheless.
So what happened during 2009?
I peeled off the layers, one by one, until I could no longer keep the core of who I truly am hidden.
For as long as I can remember I had often felt as if I was living two lives. My inner fantasy and my reality.
Maybe that’s normal . . actually I’m sure it is to an extent . .but the depth and intensity of my two worlds was suffocating my soul.
The inner and outer changes started gradually but the cherry on the cake was when I found myself driving around the valley at one in the morning because I didn’t want to go home. And then I received a phone call from my aunt (who has always had a sixth sense about whenever I’m in turmoil) worried because she had been feeling a heavy burden for me on her heart.
Shortly after talking with my aunt, I told my husband that I wanted a trial separation. Which turned into a real separation. And which is now turning into a divorce.
The emotions that followed that day can only be described as bitter sweet. There have been good days, bad days, awesome days, awful days. Days where my face hurt from smiling and laughing so much. And days where it was all I could do get out of bed.
But here I am. In the present. Making peace with the past. Embracing the unknown.
Slowly emerging through the birth pains of a new beginning.
Developing confidence in myself and in my choices. No longer living a life split by two worlds.
And for the sake of keeping record, the following is a list of moments, experiences, and people of lasting impression:
Four Women who have left Footprints on my Heart
1. Trish Iles (My no non sense email buddy, blogging pale, therapist, colleague, dear friend . . .also known as Mama T or “Da Bomb Mom”)
2. Aunt Beth (AKA: Aunt MoM) 
3. My sister (her love and understanding has blown me away)
4. Tricia (My BFF – wine/pasta, spinach dip/ crackers, starbucks, girl time, laughter, tears, chick flicks, shopping, silence, fighting, you name it . . . we’ve done it).
Tatoos
1. It is What it Is (unfortunately…can’t find any pics!!)
2. Three monarch butterflies in honor of my mother. Each wing has a letter designed into it to spell “mom”
Travels
1. Huntington Beach, Sacramento, Occidental, Pasadena, Mammoth Lakes – California (Family and friends)
2. Las Vegas, NV (for work)
3. Muscatine, Iowa (Holidays!)
Experiences (In no Particular Order)
1. Awesome hiking and rock climbing in Occidental, CA
My Sister!
Yours TrulyOur Friend, JoyJoy
2. Skiing in Iowa and CA
3. Girls Trip to Huntington Beach, CA
4. Lakers Game in CA!!
5. Exploring Downtown Los Angeles and Hollywood
6. Re-connecting with my maternal Grandfather in Sacramento, CA
7. My Aunt Beth’s wedding in Ohio (got do some exploring with my sister and her boyfriend, Hans)
Chilling in the Hotel Lobby . .waiting to help with wedding stuff
8. Diamondbacks game in AZ!!
9. Sliding Rock in Sedona, AZ
10. Korbel Wine Tour in CA
My sister and our friend, Joy at the wine tasting!! Yum!
Diet
1. Started off Vegetarian, have since become Pescatarian
2. Organic/Natural Foods (mainly dairy, fruits, veggies)
3. A newfound love and appreciation for wine
4. An Addiction to Starbucks and Go Girl Energy Drinks
A Few New Favorite Movies
1. The Bielski Brothers
2. The Hangover
3. The Blindside
4. The Proposal
2010 . . .here I come
The picture above makes my heart melt. The twinkle in her eye. The huge smile on her face. . . all for just a piece of tissue paper.
Can you imagine what our days would be like .. .if we became just as excited over something as simple as tissue paper?
And here she is yet again, standing in awe.
Take a second and close your eyes.
Imagine . . viewing the world through the eyes of a child.
To delight in the most simple of things . . . what a concept.
To have more, is to have less.
I’m back in Iowa for Christmas. And for my birthday. In two days I will be 27. When I woke up this morning, at 11:30AM mind you, I very much felt like I was 17. I woke up in my old room and I ate the breakfast of my high school and college years . . .strawberry pop tarts (toasted just right!) and good ol’ coffee.
Oh and did I mention that yesterday I woke up at 12:45PM? I’m not depressed. Don’t worry. The truth is that I think being back here in Iowa . .away from AZ and my current life . . I’ve fallen into the “out of sight, out of mind” syndrome. I’m finally able to sleep. Relax. Shut my mind off. And my body . . . .is just soaking it all up.
A lot has happened during 2009. Stuff that I will write about in a future post. As I reflect back, I’m amazed at how it didn’t turn out as I had imagined. It turned out to be better. Even Harder. Yet Lighter. And at times Brighter. Other times, Darker than I ever thought possible. But full to the brim of lessons, love, laughter, and life.
So, I’m going to be 27. I know that sounds young to ya’ll years older than me, but the truth of it . . .is that I finally feel as if I’ve come alive. Confident in who I am. I know I should be grateful that at 27 . . here I am . .instead of 37 or 47 and I don’t regret the past 7 years of my 20’s . .I truly don’t. Those years brought me to today. And I’m grateful for today.
Stay tuned to my future post . . 2009, the 26th year of my life. Summarized.
Happy Holidays!!!
” . . take sex, family, and food seriously and organized religion not at all”
Can I get an Amen!?!
