#1

There are three kinds of people.

1. Those who are too keenly aware of their weaknesses. Wise enough to know that pain, fear, and failure are a part a life and who have been a victim caught up and tangled in the spidery web of such emotions. Those who know that even with the best of intentions, feelings can get hurt. Or those who are ignorant or hopeful do not take away the sting of pain or failure. So people like this hold themselves back as to avoid such feelings from entangling them again. #1’s are great at keeping things balanced and in moderation.

2. Then there are those who are just like number one, except their confidence and dare I say arrogance has them on top of the ladder looking down while everyone else is still climbing……these people are what I call prideful, ignorant, and just plain beyond confident and straight into arrogance. The “I’m aware of these things but they will never happen to me because I’ve already thoughtfully calculated my risks and evaluated my options” people. These are the type who never take advice because they’ve “already got it figured out”. By the way, when something bad does happen….these people would be the quickest to blame everyone but themselves. #2’s are great entrepreneurs and leaders.

3. These people are the sweetest. So sweet you almost want to forgive them for being so blatantly blind. These people are the hopefuls among the hopefuls. They haven’t really given a thought to risks or consequences….they just kind of take a faith leap everywhere they go. Don’t get me wrong though…these people try to educate themselves on their options and choices…but since they are unable to grasp the reality of a situation they are apt to assume the position of “their experience will be different”. And so when life does turn out harder then expected….some of these people fall into a great depression….some reach out to friends and are able to muddle through eyes wide open while grasping for any reasoning and justification to make the situation better.

Sometimes #3’s turn into #1’s….especially if they were a #3 as a child or teenager and had to endure some pretty tough adult situations…but in general there are still a few #3’s out there who despite their rose colored glasses….are great friends.

I know I am a #1, although not by choice. When I can recall my childhood days I feel like I was at one time a #3. Maybe a conservative #3 but a #3 nonetheless. I know that between 1 and 3 there is a balance to having a little bit of each instead of a 90/5/5. I feel like this entire blog is one endless post of me striving to become this way…baby steps though right?

On another note….I miss my mom. It feels weird to type the words my mom. I can’t even remember the last time I said those two words together out loud…well with the exception of “my mom past away when I was 12″. That doesn’t count. Putting “my mom” and “past away” don’t go together….or at least they shouldn’t. I think what I miss the most is the mom I could have had today had she gotten better physically and mentally…my thoughts of what could have been….will always haunt me. And the reality of what did happen will always struggle to keep my #1 personality holding me with an iron fist.

Last night my husband and I were talking about our future and how I would like to have the choice of not working when we have children…but then the reality of not working hit me. What if he passes away? What if he leaves me? What if he loses his job and I’d been a stay at home more for a plus number of years…all of these what ifs to me not having a job….I don’t know if I my #1 personality will give me the comfort and peace of mind to actually stay home…..I don’t believe in happily ever afters. I don’t believe in fairy tale endings. I believe that rainbows come and go but are always brought on by rain and thunderstorms. I believe you best be ready for the thunderstorm, to endure it and not get washed away…I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to enjoy the rainbow w/o predicting and preparing for the rain by myself. In case you haven’t figured out, by myself is key. By myself is what makes a #1. You can’t depend 100% on anyone but yourself….and to avoid any feeling of pain or loss or hopelessness…that is what a #1just does.

A lesson never learned

Why….Why is it inevitable that we as humans never know how good we have it until it’s gone? Why? Why? Why? Is it supposed to be the balance in the life….because without it we would never know true appreciation, gratitude, loss, or sadness? Is it because all these things in life make up our character? ugh.

I already know the answer….you don’t need to tell me.

I highlighted my hair…thinking that my all natural brownness was blah…only to learn (afterwards) that my brownness was not blah and that most people liked my brownness better (including me). Well…now I know. I guess that is the ultimate lesson actually learned right?

So anyway, on another note….my quest to enjoy the simple things in life seems to be working. I’ve noticed my attitude leaning towards optimism and my spirit a little bit lighter then before. I once read somewhere something along the lines of “in the last analysis of life you will realize that all moments count…not just those that seemed great at the time”. Ok I totally butchered that saying but you get the gist of it right? Basically every moment of your day, of your life…is huge in retrospect no matter how small in the present…every moment connects the dots of your life. Appreciate them. Be present in them. Learn to Enjoy them. All moments bad. good. scary. happy. fearful. stressful.

Showers

Are more then just getting wet and obtaining that great “clean” feeling…..for me, every time I step into the shower it becomes my literal place of solitude. Just Me and my thoughts…all alone. No phone to interrupt me. No computer beckoning me to check my email. No TV silently begging me to zone out on unrealistic reality TV shows. Nothing. Just me. And I love it. It’s amazing what a person can discover about themselves during those 10 (0r 20-30) minutes.

Tonight….I had a great and very liberating “a-ha” moment. But to back up a bit, let me explain that I have this big issue with fake-ness and I believe in the importance of being raw and honest. And generally, what this belief had been doing for me was turning me into a horrible bitch. Or so I felt because I had a hard time smiling or laughing whenever my heart felt heavy or sad or hurt…it just felt “fake” to me to smile when I hurt so much inside. BUT I remembered (in the shower just now) that the heart and mind must be synonymous….they must be aligned. I can’t ignore what my mind is trying to tellme just because my heart is throwing a tantrum! The mind is what disciplines my actions! It is what draws my aching rawness back to reality.

So for example, I realized that when I am very angry or hurt, by say my husband, for ease of an explanation…sometimes my heart really really really wants me to walk away (not meaning divorce wise…but just walk away as in from the situation) or sometimes my heart wants me to lash out selfishly and cry uncontrollably “But what about me?! who cares about you?! It’s all about me!” . But my mind knows better and in those situations (Thank God) I chose to listen to my mind even though my heart/feelings are resisting. My emotions keep me real and personable, but my mind is definitely the balancing force and listening to it does not make me fake, even if that is how it makes me feel. I realized that I need to apply listening to my mind not only when I’m angry but when I’m stressed or sad. if my mind is telling me to smile…I’m going to smile dammit even if it feels fake. Or if it tells me to walk into work with a happy attitude….dammit I’m going to! But if someone, a safe and trusting someone, asks me how I’m doing….I will tell them how I am (w/o sounding like a whiny little brat) and that my friend is what will always make me not fake. Not being afraid to tell your true life story as it is,play by play,will never make a person fake (and remember I say this very carefully because there are different ways to tell your life story..whiners and babies are prohibited).

A Fine Line

There is a fine line between keeping your mouth shut and being honest with your feelings when you don’t agree. A fine line between love and tough love. A fine line between when to put yourself first and when to put yourself last. A fine line in the definition of giving up or moving on. A fine line in acceptance or giving up. A fine line between hope and just pure dumbness.

Most people, when they find themselves standing on this line….react based on their feelings. And we all know that feelings when not used with our head can be more detrimental then helpful. Unfortunately, I’m part of the group that react with their feelings and then self-reflect after the fact. The  only good thing about this is that I do learn from  my self reflections. It’s just unfortunate that most of them are learned post discussion/fight/decision. It is much easier for me to act rational when it comes to other people’s issues, but when it comes to mine…I might as well as stick my foot in my mouth.

Just an hour ago I hung up on my husband because we were having the typical discussion turning into a fight about his current job situation. Which, I would have no problem with…..if he was happy. But he doesn’t seem happy. All I hear are his complaints and all I see is him literally working from 8AM to 8PM daily. I just feel like there comes a point where you can only hear so much and you can only give so much support….and then when you don’t see things changing you have to be honest. Right? In this particular situation, I know I shouldn’t have hung up on him but I sensed a bout of verbal vomit about to  come out of my mouth and in those situations sometimes it’s just best for me to abruptly stop the conversation. Albeight I know there are better ways to end  a conversation then just by hanging up. I will work on that in the future. Right now, my dilemma is which way to go….support or honesty? love or tough love? All I know is that right now I’m not happy and he’s not happy. Something must be done.

Simple Pleasures #2

My last post consisted of several simple things that made me giddy and happy when I was a younger version of myself. Simple things that I take for granted today because my eye is always looking for something bigger. Something supposedly better. The following are a few simple pleasures in my life as it stands today that I tend to overlook:

1. My very own office. With my very own Window.

2. An apartment several hundred square feet bigger then our previous apartment. And did I mention..newer, nicer, and with our very own washer/dryer?

3. Money.

4. Friends. Near and Far.

5. Family. Near and Far.

6. Great Health

7. Marriage..I’ve decided life can be much more fun when shared with another person (even if you want to strangle them sometimes)

8. Curiosity

9. Knowledge

10. Transporation

11. Communication (internet, cell phone, etc)

** Insert Break**

I just had an “a-ha’ moment while typing this list. I think I tend to overlook this stuff because a lot of it is material and worldly. Two things I was trained to be very careful with and I think I took it to the extreme in not enjoying the possessions at all. Because otherwise….I just felt guilty in knowing there is so much more to the world then cell phones and an office. It’s as if not enjoying them was too make up for everything else in the world that is wrong. So not true.

12. Taking pictures

13. The warm Arizona air at night

14. The mountains I see when driving to work from the freeway (minus the cell phone towers on top of them)

15. Gold’s Gym and the ability engage in cardio sessions while jamming to my favorite song (on repeat lol)

16. Free Will and the ability to make decisions, no matter how frustrating and scary.

17. Dunkin Donuts Coffee

18. Starbucks

Simple Pleasures

To go with the theme of my previous post, I have been mentally making a list of all the things that made me happy, no wait……not just happy, but giddy with excitement and hope as a child/teenager. Somewhere between then and now…I don’t know when and I don’t remember how but I stopped getting excited and I stopped seeing the joy. My rationality at the time must had made me think it was time to “grow up and be mature”…..IF ONLY I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW.

1. Wearing new clothes the second you get home from the mall!

2. Eating a whole pint of Whitey’s Mint Chocolate Chip icecream

3. Renting Movies

4. Going to a Movie!

5. Eating donuts on a Saturday Morning with a tall glass of Milk

6. Getting a  glimpse of my crush

7. Going to the community pool and having a full day of fun in the sun!

8. Bike riding

9. Rollerblading

10. Eating out at McDonalds (french fries, cheeseburger, & a chocolate milkshake!)

11. Buying & reading a brand new book

12. Listening to my favorite song…on repeat.

13. Sleepovers! (Why don’t we do that anymore?!)

14. Receiving/giving compliments (Modesty be damned!)

15. Receiving/giving presents

16. Taking pictures & then getting them developed

17. Getting a new magazine!

18. Chocolate chip muffins (straight out of the oven)

19. sleeping in on the weekends

20. Lazy, nothing to do days

21. Being free to watch my favorite TV shows

22. Being with Friends on a weeknight

23. Driving & jamming to my favorite song (on repeat..)

To Be Continued……

the little things

I realized last night as I was trying  to fall asleep that I believe one of the main feeding tubes to my restlessness or discouragement is that I fail to actively participate in living through and enjoying the “little” things in life. I am so good at speaking this mantra but my self reflecting thoughts last night showed me that I do not live it.

I unconsciously believed that life is better when experienced on a grander scale. And I believe that is heavily  influenced by the media. You just see all these things that people are doing on a grand scale and who receive much positive feedback from the world that you think that is how life as a whole should be. And that if it is not…if you aren’t being acknowledged or encouraged, approved, supported, praised, openly loved, envied, etc that your life just “isn’t there yet”.

It is so easy for me to forget how precious the things on the smaller scale are really a huge part of the grander scale of life. I know that if I consciously took inventory of the life around me as it is…I have a wonderful life. And so much can happen if I allowed myself to truly and literally enjoy the “little things” that nobody hears about. The little things you can internally seek joy and happiness from w/o the affirmation of others. To be grateful and aware of what is  in front you on a daily basis is often unheard of. It’s easy to be grateful for a moment,maybe even a day…but then someone or  something else catches your eye and already you feel inadequate. discontent. not good enough.

To be happy with where you are and what you are currently doing. To live your life instead of trying to live someone else’s...wow. What a concept.

Seattle

My husband and I were in Seattle over the weekend to celebrate the marriage of his cousin Brian to a wonderful woman named Lisa. I had only met Lisa one other time and absolutely loved her. She is one of those very loving free spirits that can light up a room.

I also fell in love with Seattle. I had never been there before but I think my perception of  it was not very high because all I had ever heard was how much it rained there. What I didn’t hear was how much life there is! So much water and so many beautiful landscapes! I fell in love with Seattle before the plane even landed! We flew over most of the  city and from up in the sky I was immediately smitten with the amount of trees that made it’s way into and through the city.

Seattle was even beautiful in the morning when the day seemed the most gray. Ben and I both agreed that moving to Seattle is a definite “hope” for us in the future.

So not only did I come back from Seattle totally smitten but I came back in a much better mood. Which, is weird because you would think I’d be sad if I just  had to leave a place I fell in love with…but surprisingly enough I think going to Seattle was just the break I needed to get away from Phoenix and myself. I was able to come back with a fresh perspective on life and it is so freeing to finally be over my little phase of frustration and darkness. Each time I feel like I get in those little spells I always emerge so much stronger and with such a better outlook.

I still don’t have all the answers I’m looking for, will I ever? no and I’m ok with that.

I’m just trying really hard to welcome and embrace all of my questions and uncertainties so that  I am open and receptive  to the answers. Just trying to figure out where I fit in this hugely small world.

ps: good news

I think my battle with “the number” is definitely getting better. I haven’t been scared of that stupid number or that stupid scale since last week and that is good given the fact that I just got back from a trip to Seattle where I definitely had fun eating some good food

And I’m even getting better at  being happy with me. I can already tell because really…so far..the number on the scale has not effected my mood once and wouldn’t you know that the number is definitely a number that would have effected my mood in the past. bliss.

frustrated…..

You would think that moving from a little town in Iowa to a BIG CITY in Arizona that we would be able to find a church within driving distance of our home and with beliefs similar to our own….but NO.