Busy Month

We’ve got our peeps visiting for a few days and I’m so freaking excited! Not to mention it’s the 4th of July and we’ve got some plans that include a trip to Sedona and a Dbacks game….life can’t get much better.

Except it can!

4 year anniversary with the hubby on the 8th.

Girls trip to SoCal 24th-26th (What happens in HB, stays in HB)

Second tattoo? I’m 90% hopeful this will happen in July. If not, very much so in August.

July is always a busy month. It doesn’t matter what year it is, there is always something going on. There might not be much posting this month but I’ll try to shoot out a few paragraphs here and there to capture whatever incessant thoughts I have yet to think and ponder.

Random side note: In light of my previous Pah-thetic post . . . I hit Trader Joes for some groceries today. The guy ringing me up (envision short, stocky, shaved head, tons of tats) begins to engage in conversation with me.  Approximately two minutes into the convo, he looks up and asks me if I play sports. I do believe I stuttered a response before actually forming a complete sentence that went kind of like this:

Me: uummmm no but I work out at the gym does that count?

Guy: hell yeah! Keeping in shape and stuff is cool! (insert pause and quick once over of me again)  You just look like the kind of chick I’d want to play on my team you know?

Me (wondering if that is supposed  to be a compliment): Oh..well I used to play sports in highschool and some intramural in college.

Guy: What sports?

Me: Just the typical girly sports . . . you know… volleyball and track. But I guess I’ll take what you said as a compliment?

Guy: yeah cool!

Me…walking away still wondering if that was supposed to be compliment or if he thought I had a boy body or something? I’m fairly normal….not crazy toned or super muscular. Very average. Still perplexed but I am choosing to be confident anyway – doesn’t matter – I am who I am

Pah – thetic

Pathetic. Pah-thetic. Pa-thet-ic. I am pathetic. I’ve been so pathetic lately I’m even starting to annoy myself. Hence this post. The realization of this hit me while I was shopping last night. There I was in Marshalls trying on sunglasses. I believe I spent a good  20 minutes trying to decide between two pairs. I kept putting one on, taking another off, putting it back on, taking it back off…forEVER. I kept thinking to myself, “Man, I wish Ben or Tricia or Candice were here  to help me decide”. And than I thought, “Girl! You’ve got a brain! Decide for yourself!!! Pick your fav, buy’em, own’em, and strut’em with confidence!”. You would think after that little internal pep talk  I would have immediately chosen a pair and be done with it right? Nope. I looked at the price tag and saw they were only about $9.00 each. My budget for sunglasses was no more than $20.00. So what did I do? Yep, you got it, I bought both.

Either way, the lesson was learned. Well, two lessons really. The first is the fact that if I would have looked at the price tags initially I would have saved myself 20 minutes of fretting. The second lesson, clearly, is that I’m pathetic.

And, if that story isn’t enough for you, just ask my husband. I do believe I’ve asked him every single day this week if he “likes my outfit” or “my hair” or “my makeup” or “my whatever have you I’m wearing please tell me I look good because I’m Pah-thetic ensemble”.

Like most, my insecurity is a roller coaster ride. High for awhile. Low for awhile. With the highs being short and thrilling and the lows being slow and, well, pathetic.

I’m a huge lover and believer of confidence. What you wear, the color of your hair and skin, the size and shape of your body…definitely are a factor but they aren’t deal breakers. Not like confidence anyway. How do you think some of those awful fashion trends…become trends? Some idiot has enough confidence to strut them. That energy is shooting out in the world in full force grabbing the attention of every single and insecure Being as far away as China. We girls see that energy.We feel that energy.We want that energy. So what do we do? We go out to buy what that chick is wearing (stupidly) thinking it will make us confident too. Hence  a trend is born.

So. Today is a brand new day. Pathetic no more. Confident fo sho.

Ways to be Annoying . . .

 I’ve become a master at this. Let me indulge.

1. Repeat people. But pose it back in a statement. For example, if someone says “Wow, the color of your shirt is really bright purple!”. Just simply respond “Your bright purple”. It works everytime.

2. Or another option would be to just give them your best wide eyed blank stare . .  pause dramatically for a few seconds and than in the cutest voice say ” I don’t understand”.

What it takes to be a Woman . . .

As a follow up to my previous post on the big M . . . I thought it fitting to write a post on what most women go through on a daily basis. The pressure we ultimately put on ourselves to be feminine, yet strong. Domestic, yet fully capable of balancing a career.

Need the checkbook balanced? Done. The stain out of your favorite white tee? Done. A stocked pantry? Done. Food on the table? Done. Clean Clothes? Done.  A fat paycheck? Done. Birthdays and Anniversaries of friends and family remembered? Done (and might I add with a gorgeous present wrapped in a pretty bow).  Need to know where the thingamajigi is? Done. Need a doctor’s appointment for that aching back? Done. Need to be reminded when it actually is the day before? Done.

Really .. . . I could go on and on but I’m hopeful whoever is reading this post gets the point.

Hard to believe women can do ALL of that and MORE while deep down dealing with huge insecurities of the “not enoughs”. Not smart enough. Strong enough. Pretty enough. Thin enough. Fast Enough. Just Not Enough. It’s overwhelming and yes, I recognize that some (if not all) of this pressure is self induced. We have the choice to not bow down to it. Now if only that choice was realistic in this candy coated world that we actually live in.

Most men only have to shave their  face. ALL women (in the U.S. for sure anyway) have to worry about the hair on their face, their legs, their armpits, their bikini line, and basically any other body part where “hair” just shouldn’t be.

We bleed. Monthly. Nuf said.

Makeup. Do you know that it is actually kind of fun to put the stuff on but it SUCKS to take it off? And yeah…you men out there can joke that it sucks for you too when it comes off, but let me remind you how that doesn’t help our “Not Pretty Enough” syndrome. I often feel makeup is a double edged sword. It’s a great tool to enhance what we are naturally born with. But even then, the public gets used to the basic makeup we put on, the hair that we carefully style each morning, the nails that we get done monthly, the clothes we carefully buy to flatter our figures….that we often feel we can’t leave the house au natural! We feel ashamed or ugly. It’s actually very sad. Natural beauty is something that should be looked for in everyone. Appreciated. Coveted. Instead it seems society looks for beauty in the over makeuped, over styled, barely dressed barbie doll with fake nails, fake boobs, and fake hair. And truly, I mean no hate towards women who do use and like all the synthetic stuff. . .  the world is a bitch and we do what we gotta do to keep face (literally) but it just makes me a little sad that the “real” stuff we women were born with is overlooked and forgotten.

Wrinkles. Sun damage. Cellulite. I don’t care what you say, the majority of men really do age like fine wine. My hubby  I know for sure is just going to keep getting better looking and better looking as he ages and I am going to struggle to keep up. He’s going to be 50 with little 25 year old tarts waving their cute little arms to get his attention.  I’m 26 (in a half . . .I just had to say that) and I’ve already got a nice little line right between my brows from furrowing them too much. By the time I’m 40 that line is going to be a deep groove…my sweat is going to pool there to form a nice little brook…I can just see it now.

*Sigh* words cannot do justice what women do and go through…… but men let me tell you . .  under each makeuped and styled to the nines controlling, domestic, feminine, strong, nagging female is a little girl just wanting to be taken care of. I promise.

Miserable and Ok at the same time…

. . . .is the only way I can describe how I feel at least one to two weeks out of the month. And, YES, I am talking about that specific time when Aunt Flo decides to visit. Such a bittersweet thing. 

I once read this article written by a man who had to take hormone supplements as part of his cancer killing regimen. The side effects of these hormones mimicked what women feel before, during, and after the big M.  He wrote that it was the biggest eye opening experience. It made him reflect on what his wife goes through…. especially when they were both waking up in the middle of the night with hot flashes. Or when he got intense cravings for food and chocolate and ended up gaining 20 pounds as a result.

Imagine. . . when your wife, sister, mother, girlfriend, WHOEVER  . . . says that she has a headache, is bloated, tired, cranky, crampy, or whatever .. .  that she may actually be telling the truth!

Now I know there are some posers out there and yes I do admit to using the “crampy and bloated” excuse to get out of doing something at one time or another, but the majority of the time? I’m telling the truth. We’re telling the truth.

Please, MEN, do not be fooled. While we can swim, and laugh, and play, and joke during “that” time of the month we are also feeling like crap. Back aches, head aches, cramps, five pounds of extra water hanging around our midsection. Eye on the clock 24 hours so that we can “freshen up”. Fear that we may leak or what have you. Fear that there may not be a bathroom in sight in case of emergencies. 

I love you men. I seriously do. But you have no freaking clue what we women go through on a monthly basis. NO CLUE. And if you did get the chance? You’d be in the fetal position with a heating pad on your midsection for days.  There would be no laughing or playing for you.

I recognize that this simple fact is very hard for men to grasp simply because they’ve never actually had the pleasure of personally experiencing Aunt Flo. 

But next time your loved one is being visited? Please take just one second to realize YOU HAVE NO CLUE.

Well Past Due. . . .

We all know I’m not shy in my rants on the general public. It is no secret that I have very specific opinions on non productive members of society. Heck… I even have opinions on people who are supposedly productive . . . so yeah.

Good news though. I am finally going to write a post on the awesomeness of people. The little things that always catch me by surprise and make me smile.  Makes my heart melt. Puts me in a perpetual good mood.

1. When friends fall asleep on our couch wrapped in pillows and blankets and when they wake up? They proceed to actually fold the blanket and put the pillows neatly on top before they leave. I love that. I feel it’s a good indicator of good manners and character. An awareness of some sort.

2. I love it when I can engage in a back and forth objective conversation with the person who is ringing me up at the cash register.  I don’t like it when all I hear is complaining and whining about their personal lives (i.e. the victim card) but I personally love it when I get a big friendly real smile and a 5 minute conversation about the weather or the news or the latest movie.

3. I love it when I’m at the store and I come across really well behaved children. Children who are still having fun while mom is trying to shop but are aware and courteous of the other shoppers surrounding them.

4. I love it when a kind stranger lets me merge in front of them on a street or freeway when I realize a little too late that the lane I’m in is suddenly ending.

5. I love it when I answer the phone at work and I can tell that the other person on the other end is smiling (by their voice). I love it when we can toss the professional jargon aside (because really who speaks like that anyway?!) and just get down to business real and professionally personal (this is possible I promise).

6. I love it when I get  random smiles from strangers. I love it when the smile reaches their eyes.

7. I love it when babies reach out to me when I pass them in carts or strollers. They look at you with such big eyes that you automatically smile and give a little wink. I’ve noticed that the little wink can do wonders…their little heads swivel and their hands reach out to you as if to  ask “Where are you going? You just winked at me! That has to mean something doesn’t it?”

8. I love it when strangers ask you if you need a hand when they can obviously see that your arms are full. Even more I just love it when they actually help instead of asking first and than helping.  I love it when people use discernment and go out of their comfort zone to connect, commune, and co-exist.

9.  I love it when you’re at the cash register and are short a quarter or a penny or a dollar and the person behind you very kindly offers one of theirs.

10. I love it when I can engage in conversation with strangers and friends and actually discuss politics and religion and the heat stays away, egos at bay, and what is supposed to happen or be learned can actually happen and BE learned.

Starbucks . . . .Rant and Rave . . .

I’m addicted to Starbucks. This is already a known fact I’ve said over and over. I will always rave about their drinks. They are delicious and they offer a great variety from nonfat and healthy to the full fat works. If you don’t like coffee you can still find something to drink. And if you freaking love coffee…well than you are in coffee heaven.

Here is my rant. At the Starbucks locations I frequent the people that work  there are a ridiculous combination of fake, phony, and friendly. Which really, is better than bitchy, mean, and unhelpful. But this is my blog afterall and I feel like ranting anyway. This one chick at 75th & Thunderbird says “Hi” to you with a huge fake smile while being literally lost in her mind. You can see it in her eyes. Her  mind is far away. She is not concentrating on you at all. She is probably thinking about where else she would rather be…and really I can’t blame her. I’d rather be anywhere but working at a Starbucks too. On one particular day I came in around noon and she greeted me with a “Good Morning!”. The worker next to her rolled her eyes and reminded the girl that it was no longer morning. I could tell that was the umpteenth reminder. Funny thing is  that when the next customer walked in …what did she say? Yep, you guessed it. Good Morning!

This is also the same location where I always get whip on my frap no matter how loudly I say “No Whip” when I order. Just another sign that while they are smiling prettily at you…their minds are far far far away.

Or better yet, ask a question not using their language and you might get a blank stare for a few seconds longer than necessary. It is kind of funny.

Last annoying rant are  the tones of their voices. Annoyingly high and over friendly. I know…high and friendly is better than low and bitchy…but sometimes high and friendly can grate on my nerves just as much.

Ok. That is all. And, yes, I feel better.

Happens Every Day…

…is the title of this great memoir I just got done reading by Isabel Gilles. The following quote from that very book really resonated with me:

“I believe in Love. I believe in hard times and love winning. I believe marriage is hard. I believe people make mistakes. I believe people can want two things at once. I believe people are selfish and generous at the same time. I believe very few people want to hurt others.  I believe that you can be surprised by life. I believe in happy endings.  . .”

So, which sentence hit me? This one: I believe people can want two things at once.

This is so freaking true almost every minute of the day whether or not you actually want to see it, believe it, or admit it. It can range from something as simple as wanting to eat food that is fried and healthy for lunch or something as typical as wanting to be debt free and yet own the biggest house and the coolest car.

Most often in our lives we make choices that we can live with. Rarely do we make choices that suck or that do not bring “feel good” feelings. We are egotistical after all! We thrive on those darn ego boosts. The choices we do make are those that let us have, if possible, a little bit  of both. And truthfully speaking when we make our choices based on that need to have both . . .  it’s often not the best choice. But in the same  breath, it can be the best compromise.

For example, using the veggie and fried thing for lunch. If you’re lucky maybe the restaurant you’re at will have fried green beans. Which are absolutely delicious. Don’t hate until you try them. You will fall in love too.

Wanting two things at once is a double edged sword. Our minds are capable of justifying and rationalizing every single action, decision, and choice so that we can have both if possible.  But the first step people is just admitting it….realizing that yes…I want TWO freaking things at once. Realistically speaking…I can’t have TWO things at once. So which ONE thing is the best for me? Or for my family? My future? What is my intention? And most importantly WHY do I want these TWO things?

I’ve often said that you can’t have one foot in the door and another out. In my mind that is wanting two things at once…you either have to shut the door and walk in. Or shut the door and walk out. This in my opinion will create the most stress free and drama free results. But ( you knew that was coming right?) humans thrive on stress and drama. So…where does that leave us? A pointless post that has brought us back to square one. The fact that: people can want two things at once. Period.

I’m Falling In Love . . .

 .  . . with Arizona. I never thought I’d say that. Ever. I’ve always liked Arizona. I’ve always tolerated Arizona. I’ve always been content with Arizona. But I had huge longings for fresh clean air that you can only truly find in the midwest . I had desire for open highways and colorful landscape that stretched for miles. I yearned for bright blue skies. Small towns and simple living. I wanted to step outside on the back porch of a home we owned into my own oasis. A peaceful and still vision of land that never ended, roaming animals, and wild flowers. The sound of water bubbling nearby in a brook. The hum of tractors in the distance, the music of farm dogs barking.

I was so clouded by that vision that I failed to see the true beauty of Arizona, which is everywhere, even here in the overly populated valley that I call home. I’ve become accustomed to the hustle and bustle. The crowds that never thin. The freeways that crisscross and maze around eachother. The constant prodding traffic. Nights that never sleep. Summers so hot it’s all you can do to not burn your fingers when you touch the door of your car.

Arizona has beautiful mountains just waiting to be hiked. Endless sunny days. Colorful plants/flowers and wildlife designed to withstand the heat and dryness in a way that can only bring joy to the sight of a sand colored landscape.  Resources of all kinds at your fingertips. Need a certain brand of peanut butter? Just drive down Bell Rd for a few minutes and you’ll have several stores to pick from. Of course this could also go the other way to the point of spending TOO much money. I once found myself driving to four different Kohls in search of a pair of pants I just had to have but which was lacking my size in the first three stores I visited. And lets not forget to mention a Starbucks on every corner.

Most importantly, I love my job. I love our home. I love the community Ben and I have built around ourselves. Always changing, always moving forward, but always comforting.

If I had to say one thing I love the most, I love the illusion of freedom that living in a big city gives.  An “”open-ness” that is hard to find in small midwestern towns.

Right now, I love Arizona. I will always love Iowa and the visions described above…maybe some day that is where we’ll end up. I will always love and be open to the idea of living elsewhere.

But for now, AZ fits ME.

10:30PM

My eyes are so tired, but my bain is so freaking wired.

Today was a draining, exhausting – keep all my energy focused on being patient and happy kind of day. I was actually doing pretty good in the morning, but than after lunch I hit my mid-day slump. Combine that slump with my sleepless weekend and mean people and you’ve got a a girl with a deep furrow between her brows.

On my way home from work I wanted to jam my foot on the gas pedal of my car as far as it could go. I wanted to open all the windows, including my sunroof. I wanted to blast my music to the point of being deaf. I succeeded in almost all of these things but the gas pedal…thanks to those darn photo cams on the freeway. I maturely decided that my mentally exhausting day wasn’t worth receiving a huge speeding ticket at the expense of trying  to release pent up energy.

However, my brow is still furrowed. I tried to relax it a bit last Friday by forcefully putting a finger on each brow and horizontally stretching my skin. My best girl humorously put up with it the entire night. You’ve got to love friends that love you and let you be. Furrowed brows and all.

Another sign of the furrowed brow. . . . my addiction to Starbucks keeps increasing. On my way to work this morning I spontaneously whipped my car into a Starbucks – I’m surprised I didn’t have whiplash.  My new favorite drink is their Iced Mocha Latte. The latte did wonders for the first two hours.

I’m thinking of putting bright red streaks throughout my hair (in a subtle way of course) but I haven’t decided if it would be the straw that breaks my boss’s back. The visible tattoo and piercings I have are already pushing the line of “unprofessional”. . . .   plus I really don’t  want to look any younger than I already do…which lately has been pushing the boundaries of around 18 give or take a few years.

10:52PM. . . . already on the way to another day on the hamster wheel.

Good Night.