I’m sitting at Sky Harbor Phx Int’l Airport waiting for my flight to Denver where I will catch a connecting flight to Moline.
My laptop is dead and I can’t find an outlet.
And someone sitting near me smells.
Boredom & smelly people.
Bad combo
The end.
I read the following quote last night and it had a profound affect me:
“It’s better to marry the right person at the wrong time than marry the wrong person at the right time”.
I realized that this is true in almost any given situation.
And to dumb it down generally, it’s pretty much saying “it’s better to do all the right steps in the wrong order than take all the wrong steps in the right order . . “
Sometimes in life I feel we get so focused on doing things the “right way” that we forget to ask ourselves if the “thing” in question is “right” for us at all – we get so focused on the steps we lose sight of what it is we’re even after. . .if that makes any sense.
I suppose this all falls into all of my previous posts on struggling with the future. It’s good to have a general direction for your future and to keep an eye on the horizon . . .but it’s better to not lose sight of the path.
When we lose sight of the path right in front of us . . I can’t help but feel that is when we somehow end up taking a left when we weren’t supposed to.
I woke up refreshed. Content. Internally Free.
Excited to have a day of “nothing” to do.
And excited to think of things “to do” . . in fact as I sit here typing this I already have a list forming in my head of what I want to get done today.
I know I tend to blog somewhat heavy posts. . . as I’ve said again this blog is a release of my musings and frustrations.
But once in awhile. . I’ve noticed the benefits of releasing the joys in my life as well.
And my joy right now is simply being me.
My present moment right now is a joy to me. Sitting here on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in a homey apartment writing on my little laptop . . . bliss.
I had an A-ha moment about 30 minutes ago.
The traffic light next to where I live takes forever to turn green.
Actually . .as of late it seems as if every red light takes forever to turn green.
And each time I sit at the red light I feel my body tense up. My pulse quicken. My irritation start to bubble. While at the same time my mind is trying to smother and calm myself down with the following spiel:
“it is what it is”
And further more . .
“you sitting here allowing your body to get all hot and bothered isn’t going to make the light turn green any faster! It’s only going to frustrate you even more so why allow yourself to stew in frustration? It’s not worth it!! You can’t control the red light. You can’t control what is going to happen if the red light makes you late for work so calm down and just embrace the present moment of actually sitting STILL”.
So what happens? More often then not what I try to tell myself loses. All I can envision as I’m sitting at the red light is how late I’m going to be for work (or for whatever) and how my boss (or whomever) is going to be upset and, and, and, etc etc etc
Can you feel my A-ha moment coming?
It has to do with a few things that have been paralyzing me and causing me to feel extremely overwhelmed. The future. Or more specifically the unknown future.
You see, when the traffic lights are green . . .I drive until I have to stop. Much like my life right now. When I’m “green” I keep going until I literally have to stop. I plow through my day doing what I need to do to get where I need to be.
And when the traffic lights are “yellow”? In my life . .that is usually when I’m talking with friends or family. I’m still going but am very cautious about what direction I go and what I say. I’m aware of my interaction…. only slowing down enough to make sure I don’t get hit . . but I’m still going.
So when the traffic lights are “red” and I don’t have a choice but to stop? My body, my mind, my emotions . .are in shock. They don’t know how to handle it. I get strangled thinking and over analyzing the road ahead of me that I have yet to travel. My mind goes into all of the dark corners trying to pick out every single rock and pothole . . .I wonder if I can handle the road..my mind gets consumed with the negativity of the unknown instead of the awesomeness of the unknown.
But when the light turns green? When my alarm clock goes off in the morning? I may sit there for a bit . . allowing myself to deal with and name each emotion fighting to strangle me. But then I go.
And each time I realize that every moment that becomes my Present is a moment I don’t want to waste paralyzed and frustrated at a red light trying to envision a future that doesn’t exist.
Here I go again . .
I write a sentence.
Delete.
I write another sentence.
Delete.
I write two sentences.
Delete. Delete.
So many freaking thoughts running around in my head right now I can’t even reign them in to make coherent sentences.
Which thought do I tackle first?
You know what my problem is? My problem is that too many people who know me read this blog. It prevents me from allowing myself to be fully transparent. To unleash some pretty harsh and raw truths.
So I try to put these harsh and raw truths into prettier sentences . . . then I delete them because sometimes pretty just doesn’t cut it.
But I’m apparently not ready to be ugly either.
So here you have it. A post about how I can’t write a post.
Yes, I know. I’m neurotic.
So I have this blanket.
Lovingly called my “horse blankie”.
It’s this fuzzy, warm gray and white blanket with a picture of a beautiful horse on the front and back.
I love horses.
I’ve never learned how to ride one, but one of these days I will.
One of these days (years into the future of course) I’ll own a horse too.
This blanket is the last gift I have from my mother. When my sister and I would come home from school we would have “surprises” waiting for us in our rooms. This horse blanket was one of those surprises.
I have increasingly become attached to it as the years have passed by. And let me tell you, I do NOT get attached to things. I’m one of those people who like to clean out the closet every few months. I get excited thinking of all the stuff I can get rid of and donate. I’m one of those people that will impulsively give something away only to wish a few weeks later I hadn’t been quite so impulsive.
It is very rare for me to give something material . .meaning.
But this blanket? It has meaning. If I had to save one thing in my home, it would be this blanket.
I am very protective of it. If I let you wrap up in it . .or even touch it . . take that as a sign I’ve become attached to you too.
I can count on one hand how many people I’ve let cuddle with it. Or even understand it’s meaning to me. I generally keep it in my bedroom, out of sight.
A few nights ago I had crawled into bed. I felt unsettled. I felt slightly anxious. I reached out for my blanket and realized I had left it on the couch. My heart sank. The last thing I wanted to do was crawl out of bed to get it (lazy, yes I know) . But truth be told I was starting to feel alarmed at how attached I was becoming to it. So I firmly told myself to get over it and just close my eyes and go to sleep. So I turned on my side and curled up in the fetal position to try and comfort myself to sleep. It didn’t work. I started to squirm and my foot found its way under something heavy . . I reached out thinking my comforter had piled up at the end of the bed . . only to find out it was my horse blanket. I hadn’t left it on the couch after all.
The relief I felt at realizing my horse blanket was in fact on my bed . . can’t even be put into words. I grabbed it and wrapped it around me and instantly felt at peace. The comfort and warmth it brought . . made me fall asleep instantly.
So today? The point of this post? To shout it to the world. To stop resisting the attachment I have for this blanket and instead to just embrace it and be grateful for the comfort it brings.
You know how people have filler words? Such as “um, like, uh, etc etc”?
My filler word nowadays?
The phrase “I’m sorry”.
Saying “I’m sorry” a hundred times a day is awful. In my opinion, the word “sorry” is powerful. It’s in the same category as “love” and “hate”. It should be used sparingly. With meaning. With intention.
I have to wonder if I am starting to say “I’m sorry” over and over because deep down . . . it is how I feel about other more personal situations going on in my life.
Maybe I sub-consciously think that if I keep saying “I’m sorry” enough times in one day it will make up for all the hurt and pain I’ve caused to those around me.
I act most like myself . .. .
When I am around people I feel safe with and trust. When I instinctively know that I have connected with someone on a deeper level.
I feel most like myself . .
When I wake up on a weekend and have the morning all to myself. No agenda. When the world around me is quiet. My mind is un-consumed.
I look most like myself . .
In a t-shirt and jeans. hair uncombed.
I feel least like myself . .
When I am consumed by emotion. Any emotion. Anger. Love. Happiness. Etc. When I am consumed 100% by emotion I tend to do and say things without regard to logic or reason.
Writing the last post was so much fun, I figured . .what the hell? Let’s keep going with another list . . all about me.
I love . . .
Relaxing with a glass of wine
Wearing jeans and a comfy tee
No makeup days
Fall weather
Deep non surface-y conversations
Driving with the windows down
Sleeping with the windows open
Being buried under a pile of blankets
Sleeping surrounded by pillows, body at an angle, head on mattress
Organizing and cleaning (so refreshing)
Game nights
Smiles . . that reach the corners of the eyes
Laughter . . .deep laughter. The kind that rumbles up from the belly
Hugs. Big ones. The kind where you get enveloped in the arms of someone physically bigger than you.
Unexpected moments
A good book I can’t put down. A good book that makes me laugh, cry, and walk away with a whole new angle to look at life
Direct Questions
Making a list and then throwing it away
My home state, Iowa. Although I’ll more than likely never move back.
Lying in a hammock surrounded by nature
Or really just being surrounded by nature
Being able to sit in comfortable silence around family and friends
A good cup of coffee . . .Starbucks.
Recycling
Passion
I love it when people take the initiative to just DO something instead of asking me if I want them to do it.
Listening to my favorite song. On repeat
Physical Activity
Writing/Blogging
Being comfortable to sleep, cook, clean, and walk around in the buff
The Grilled Cheese at In N Out with well done fries and a side of their special sauce
Road Trips
Being the little spoon
Agreeing to disagree or in other words being engaged in a heavy topic where people are able to stand firm in their beliefs while at the same time being willing to learn about the opposing side
And really I love many many things. . . I could go on and on
So I’ll leave with this, a picture of my “favorite” person. My sister. The one person in this world who will always love me for me. Will fight for me. Fight with me. Laugh with me. Hug me. The one person I know who will stand by me, stand behind me, or stand beside me . . no matter what.
Side note, my sister is also the one person I know who will always lay it to me straight. The picture above was taken just last month when we met up in Sacramento for a sister vacation. The first thing she said when she saw me was . . ” wow! I’ve never seen your face so broken out before!”.
Gotta love her.
I’m stealing this post idea from a friend of mine. . . Thanks! (and you know who you are). The second reason I’m doing this post is because it’s fun. I talked to a friend of mine last night who said I was a “good writer . . if somewhat depressing”. Which I’ve heard before . . .of course I feel the need to clarify that most of my blog posts may be depressing because I use this place as a release for my frustrations. Happy moments don’t need to bloggged about . . at least for me.
1. I dip my cookies in water (something I started years ago to annoy my sister and just never stopped).
2. I LOVE bread. But not the breading in cupcakes, cakes, donuts etc I LOVE the icing more so I always split the cake or donut in half so all that is left is lots of icing with a little bit of bread. Lucky for me, I have a dear friend who loves to eat any bread . . so she always takes my other half.
3. I love to clean. I look forward to cleaning. One of my favorite things is having a freshly cleaned apartment top to bottom. I can spend (and normally do) an entire Sunday cleaning.
4. Love to read. Very rarely watch TV (mainly because I don’t have cable). I would love to own a book store. And more often then not, I’ve got at least two or three books going at the same time . . and I always finish them.
5. If I don’t get some sort of physical exercise after a day or two . . I start to feel off, which is basically just a nicer way of saying I get a little grumpy.
6. I love to eat pints of ice cream. In one sitting. Preferably . .Whitey’s Mint Chocolate Chip . .but since Whitey’s is a Midwest brand . . .I resort to Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.
7. Adopting a child is at the core of my heart. Always has been.
8. My mother is a native of Guam. Moved to America when she was 11 years old and was adopted by her Aunt and Uncle.
9. My dad is 5′2 white, blonde hair, blue eyes. At first glance we look nothing alike. I used to think I was adopted . . or that my mom had an affair. . . ha . . but there is truth I can’t deny. Once you get past the first glance you can see numerous physical similiarities.
10. I have a very very faint white line running verticially down my stomach. When I was younger I was convinced that line meant one half was my Chamorran side and the other half was my American side.
11. I never grew up around animals and am therefore not a huge animal person. But would someday like to own a dog . . even though I’m not really a fan of OTHER people’s dogs.
12. I’m conscious of my teeth. Took me a long time to get them straight but it would be nice if they were a bit smaller. . Santa? Are you listening? Please give me smaller teeth for Christmas. Thank you. . .
13. I lack a verbal filter. Foot in mouth.
14. I tend to eat the same thing over and over for several months at a time. In college . . I lived off of Smore’s Poptarts. I ate them everyday for breakfast and often for lunch. How I’ve managed to stay the same weight since high school is beyond me.
15. Coffee is my lifeline.
