Just for the record . . I decided I’m going to blog about the people I meet in airports and on airplanes.

When  I flew to Las Vegas the first week of November for work I ended up meeting a guy  I’m going to call “Rental Car Guy or RCG “.  This was a pure accident which started off with me looking stupid while trying to figure out which line  I supposed to be in so I could board the plane as directed by Southwest.  RCG took advantage of my dumb demeanor and helped me figure out where in line I was supposed to stand, which was conveniently in front of him. We started talking and didn’t stop until we landed in Vegas. He had a two hour layover in Vegas that he decided to cancel because he “loves” Vegas so much, while at the same time slyly asking me if I wanted to grab dinner. Me . .still on the dumb track  . .agreed. He walks with me to get my baggage. Then he hops on the shuttle with me to the rental car place to get my car. We stand in line for an hour. I listen to him talk while mentally wondering what the fuck I’m doing talking to a guy I don’t know and don’t really care for. And then before I know it, I’m in my rental car WITH HIM still wondering what the hell I’m doing and how I can get out of it. So I just keep telling him how tired I am. He gets the hint. I drop him back off at the airport so he can try to catch his flight. He asks for my number so he can look me up next time he’s in Phoenix on business. All I want is for him to get out of my car so I give it to him. Now he keeps texting me. I started off responding with one worded answers. But then he kept texting. So I stopped responding.  I thought it worked for awhile until I got a text a few days ago. I didn’t respond. If he doesn’t get the hint I’m going to pay Verizon$5.00 a month to get him blocked.  Consider this a lesson learned. Never get in a rental car with a guy you don’t know and don’t give him your number. By the way . .he’s a single guy  . .age 27.  I could tell you the rest of his life story but I’ve already spent enough time telling you this much.

I met this next guy while flying home last weekend for Thanksgiving on my way to Denver (for my layover) from Phoenix. This guy was actually pretty cool. And he might hook me up with horse back riding lessons. His name is Ron. 48 years old (and good looking too!). Works for Petco in Advertising/Marketing. He was on his way to Denver to spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend of 5 years. He moved to Phoenix for his job but plans on moving back to Denver to live with his girlfriend in another year or so once they’ve got enough money saved up to start their dream life, which is owning a horse ranch.  He loves horses and started riding in his mid to late 30’s. Currently owns two horses and his girlfriend owns 5. He struggles between finding the balance of living for today and yet planning for tomorrow.  I could tell by just talking to  him he is still planning and living for his dreams. He may be 48 years old but I could tell he had the heart and energy of a 28 year old. Oh . .and he was married once, which obviously didn’t work out (I didn’t get a chance to ask what happened). And he can’t stand dating. He is (in his own words) a one woman type of guy.

The last guy I’m going to mention I met in Denver while waiting for my plane to Moline (the same night I met Ron). His name is John. He is 22. Born in Geneseo, Illinois. He went to Wyo Tech right after high school. Moved to Vail, Colorado and currently works at a ski resort as a mechanic. He loves it. And this was only his second time flying. His first time flying was when he was 12. He hasn’t seen his parents (who are divorced) in over a year. He was super excited (I could tell by his face) to just get back to Geneseo for Thanksgiving.  Interesting guy. And . . his hands were awfully dry and cracked from working as a mechanic. I made him put on my hand lotion I’m sure I’ll forever be etched in his memory as the weird girl in the airport who made him put on hand lotion. BUT I bet his hands have never felt better

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That’s what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will…”

Too tired to write. So I will post by pictures.

Jake, Dustin, Kyle, Tyler

The crew above picked me up from the airport on Wednesday the 25th around midnight (so I guess maybe that makes it the 26th?). We hit up IHOP for some piss poor coffee and deep conversations on college and girls Good times.

After Thanksgiving Dinner, my sister and I (above), passed the time by playing “Superman”. . . just like old times.

Then staying within our tradition, my sister and I and our cousin Kyle, put up the Christmas tree. See the finished product (well kind of) below.

An hour later . . a sparkly Christmas Tree. Success.

My lovely sister and her boyfriend, Hans.

My Aunt Mom and I.

The End.

(Unless I’m feeling ambitious . . . I will post more later this week).

I’m sitting at Sky Harbor Phx Int’l Airport waiting for my flight to Denver where I will catch a connecting flight to Moline.

My laptop is dead and I can’t find an outlet.

And someone sitting near me smells.

Boredom & smelly people.

Bad combo

The end.

I read the following quote last night and it had a profound affect me:

“It’s better to marry the right person at the wrong time than marry the wrong person at the right time”.

I realized that this is true in almost any given situation.

And to dumb it down generally, it’s pretty much saying “it’s better to do all the right steps in the wrong order than take all the wrong steps in the right order . . “

Sometimes in life I feel we get so focused on doing things the “right way” that we forget to ask ourselves if the “thing” in question is “right” for us at all – we get so focused on the steps we lose sight of what it is we’re even after. . .if that makes any sense.

I suppose this all falls into all of my previous posts on struggling with the future. It’s good to have a general direction for your future and to keep an eye on the horizon . . .but it’s better to not lose sight of the path.

When we lose sight of the path right in front of us . . I can’t help but feel that is when we somehow end up taking a left when we weren’t supposed to.

I woke up refreshed. Content. Internally Free.

Excited to have a day of “nothing” to do.

And excited to think of things “to do” . .  in fact as I sit here typing this I already have a list forming in my head of what I want to get done today.

I know I tend to blog somewhat heavy posts. . .  as I’ve said again this blog is a release of my musings and frustrations.

But once in awhile. .  I’ve noticed the benefits of releasing the joys in my life as well.

And my joy right now is simply being me.

My present moment right now is a joy to me. Sitting here on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in a homey apartment writing on my little laptop  . . .  bliss.

I had an A-ha moment about 30 minutes ago.

The traffic light next to where I live takes forever to turn green.

Actually . .as of late  it seems as if every red light takes forever to turn green.

And each time I sit at the red light  I feel my body tense up. My pulse quicken. My irritation start to bubble. While at the same time my mind is trying to smother and calm myself down with the following spiel:

“it is what it is”

And further more . .

“you sitting here allowing your body to get all hot and bothered isn’t going to make the light turn green any faster! It’s only going to frustrate you even more so why allow yourself to stew in frustration? It’s not worth it!! You can’t control the red light. You can’t control what is going to happen if the red light makes you late for work so calm down and just embrace the present moment of actually sitting STILL”.

So what happens? More often then not what I try to tell myself loses. All I can envision as I’m sitting at the red light is how late I’m going to be for work (or for whatever) and how my boss (or whomever) is going to be upset and, and, and, etc etc etc

Can you feel my A-ha moment coming?

It has to do with a few things that have been paralyzing me and causing me to feel extremely overwhelmed. The future. Or more specifically the unknown future.

You see, when the traffic lights are green . . .I drive until I have to stop. Much like my life right now. When I’m “green” I keep going until I literally have to stop. I plow through my day doing what I need to do to get where I need to be.

And when the traffic lights are “yellow”? In my life . .that is usually when I’m talking with friends or family. I’m still going but am very cautious about what direction I go and what I say. I’m aware of my interaction…. only slowing down enough to make sure I don’t get hit . . but I’m still going.

So when the traffic lights are “red” and I don’t have a choice but to stop? My body, my mind, my emotions . .are in shock. They don’t know how to handle it.  I get strangled thinking and over analyzing the road ahead of me that I have yet to travel. My mind goes into all of the dark corners trying to pick out every single rock and pothole . . .I wonder if I can handle the road..my mind gets consumed with the negativity of the unknown instead of the awesomeness of the unknown.

But when the light turns green? When my alarm clock goes off in the morning? I may sit there for a bit . .  allowing myself to deal with and name each emotion fighting to strangle me.  But then I go.

And each time I realize that every moment that becomes my Present is a moment I don’t want to waste paralyzed and frustrated at a red light trying to envision a future that doesn’t exist.

Here I go again . .

I write a sentence.

Delete.

I write another sentence.

Delete.

I write two sentences.

Delete. Delete.

So many freaking thoughts running around in my head right now I can’t even reign them in to make coherent sentences.

Which thought do I tackle first?

You know what my problem is? My problem is that too many people who know me read this blog. It prevents me from allowing myself to be fully transparent. To unleash some pretty harsh and raw truths.

So I try to put these harsh and raw truths into prettier sentences    . . . then I delete them because sometimes pretty just doesn’t cut it.

But I’m apparently not ready to be ugly either.

So here you have it. A post about how I can’t write a post.

Yes, I know. I’m neurotic.

So I have this blanket.

Lovingly called my “horse blankie”.

It’s this fuzzy, warm gray and white blanket with a picture of a beautiful horse on the front and back.

I love horses.

I’ve never learned how to ride one, but one of these days I will.

One of these days (years into the future of course) I’ll own a horse too.

This blanket is the last gift I have from my mother. When my sister and I would come home from school we would have “surprises” waiting for us in our rooms. This horse blanket was one of those surprises.

I have increasingly become attached to it as the years have passed by. And let me tell you, I do NOT get attached to things. I’m one of those people who like to clean out the closet every few months. I get excited thinking of all the stuff I can get rid of and donate. I’m one of those people that will impulsively give something away only to wish a few weeks later I hadn’t been quite so impulsive.

It is very rare for me to give something material . .meaning.

But this blanket? It has meaning. If I had to save one thing in my home, it would be this blanket.

I am very protective of it. If I let you wrap up in it . .or even touch it . . take that as a sign I’ve become attached to you too.

I can count on one hand how many people I’ve let cuddle with it. Or even understand it’s meaning to me. I generally keep it in my bedroom, out of sight.

A few nights ago I had crawled into bed. I felt unsettled. I felt slightly anxious. I reached out for my blanket and realized I had left it on the couch. My heart sank. The last thing I wanted to do was crawl out of bed to get it (lazy, yes I know) . But truth be told I was starting to feel alarmed at how attached I was becoming to it. So I firmly told myself to get over it and just close my eyes and go to sleep. So I turned on my side and curled up in the fetal position to try and comfort myself to sleep. It didn’t work. I started to squirm and my foot found its way under something heavy . . I reached out thinking my comforter had piled up at the end of the bed . . only to find out it was my horse blanket. I hadn’t left it on the couch after all.

The relief I felt at realizing my horse blanket was in fact on my bed . . can’t even be put into words. I grabbed it and wrapped it around me and instantly felt at peace. The comfort and warmth it brought . . made me fall asleep instantly.

So today? The point of this post? To shout it to the world. To stop resisting the attachment I have for this blanket and instead to just embrace it and be grateful for the comfort it brings.

You know how people have filler words? Such as “um, like, uh, etc etc”?

My filler word nowadays?

The phrase “I’m sorry”.

Saying “I’m sorry” a hundred times a day is awful. In my opinion, the word “sorry” is powerful. It’s in the same category as “love” and “hate”. It should be used sparingly. With meaning. With intention.

I have to wonder if I am starting to say “I’m sorry” over and over because deep down . . . it is how I feel about other more personal situations going on in my life.

Maybe I sub-consciously think that if I keep saying “I’m sorry” enough times in one day it will make up for all the hurt and pain I’ve caused to those around me.