I act most like myself . .. .

When I am around people I feel safe with and trust. When I instinctively know that I have connected with someone on a deeper level.

I feel most like myself . .

When I wake up on a weekend and have the morning all to myself. No agenda. When the world around me is quiet. My mind is un-consumed.

I look most like myself . .

In a t-shirt and jeans. hair uncombed.

I feel least like myself . .

When I am consumed by emotion. Any emotion. Anger. Love. Happiness. Etc. When I am consumed 100% by emotion I tend to do and say things without regard to logic or reason.

Writing the last post was so much fun, I figured . .what the hell? Let’s keep going with another list . . all about me.

I love .  . .

Relaxing with a glass of wine

Wearing jeans and a comfy tee

No makeup days

Fall weather

Deep non surface-y conversations

Driving with the windows down

Sleeping with the windows open

Being buried under a pile of blankets

Sleeping surrounded by pillows, body at an angle, head on mattress

Organizing and cleaning (so refreshing)

Game nights

Smiles . . that reach the corners of the eyes

Laughter . .  .deep laughter. The kind that rumbles up from the belly

Hugs. Big ones. The kind where you get enveloped in the arms of someone physically bigger than you.

Unexpected moments

A good book I can’t put down. A good book that makes me laugh, cry,  and walk away with a whole new angle to look at life

Direct Questions

Making a list and then throwing it away

My home state, Iowa. Although I’ll more than likely never move back.

Lying in a hammock surrounded by nature

Or really just being surrounded by nature

Being able to sit in comfortable silence around family and friends

A good cup of coffee . .  .Starbucks.

Recycling

Passion

I love it when people take the initiative to just DO something instead of asking me if I want them to do it.

Listening to my favorite song. On repeat

Physical  Activity

Writing/Blogging

Being comfortable to sleep, cook, clean, and walk around in the buff

The Grilled Cheese at In N Out with well done fries and a side of their special sauce

Road Trips

Being the little spoon

Agreeing to disagree or in other words being engaged in a heavy topic where people are able to stand firm in their beliefs while at the same time being willing to learn about the opposing side

And really  I love many many things. . . I could go on and on

So I’ll leave with this, a picture of my “favorite” person. My sister. The one person in this world who will always love me for me. Will fight for me. Fight with me. Laugh with me. Hug me. The one person I know who will stand by me, stand behind me, or stand beside me  .  . no matter what.

Side note, my sister is also the one person I know who will always lay it to me straight. The picture above was taken just last month when we met up in Sacramento for a sister vacation. The first thing she said when she saw me was . . ” wow! I’ve never seen your face so broken out before!”.

Gotta love her.

I’m stealing this post idea from a friend of mine. . . Thanks! (and you know who you are).  The second reason I’m doing this post is because it’s fun. I talked to a friend of mine last night who said I was a “good writer . . if somewhat depressing”. Which I’ve heard before . . .of course I feel the need to clarify that most of my blog posts may be depressing because I use this place as a release for my frustrations. Happy moments don’t need to bloggged about . . at least for me.

1.  I dip my cookies in water (something I started years ago to annoy my sister and just never stopped).

2. I LOVE bread. But not the breading in cupcakes, cakes, donuts etc I LOVE the icing more so I always split the cake or donut in half so all that is left is lots of icing with a little bit of bread. Lucky for me, I have a dear friend who loves to eat any bread . . so she always takes my other half.

3. I love to clean. I look forward to cleaning.  One of my favorite things is having a freshly cleaned apartment top to bottom. I can spend (and normally do) an entire Sunday cleaning.

4.  Love to read. Very rarely watch TV (mainly because I don’t have cable). I would love to own a book store.  And more often then not, I’ve got at least two or three books going at the same time . . and I always finish them.

5.  If I don’t get some sort of physical exercise after a day or two . . I start to feel off, which is basically just a nicer way of saying I get a little grumpy.

6. I love to eat pints of ice cream. In one sitting. Preferably . .Whitey’s Mint Chocolate Chip . .but since Whitey’s is a Midwest brand . .  .I  resort to Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

7.  Adopting a child is at the core of my heart.  Always has been.

8.  My mother is a native of Guam. Moved to America when she was 11 years old and was adopted by her Aunt and Uncle.

9. My dad is 5′2 white, blonde hair, blue eyes. At first glance we look nothing alike. I used to think I was adopted . . or that my mom had an affair. . . ha . . but there is truth I can’t deny.  Once you get past the first glance you can see numerous physical similiarities.

10. I have a very very faint white line running verticially down my stomach. When I was younger I was convinced that line meant one half was my Chamorran side and the other half was my American side.

11. I never grew up around animals and am therefore not a huge animal person. But would someday like to  own a dog . . even though I’m not really a fan of OTHER people’s dogs.

12.  I’m conscious of my teeth. Took me a long time to get them straight but it would be nice if they were a bit smaller. . Santa? Are you listening? Please give me smaller teeth for Christmas. Thank you. . .

13. I lack a verbal filter. Foot in mouth.

14.  I tend to eat the same thing over and over for several months at a time. In college . . I lived off of Smore’s Poptarts. I ate them everyday for breakfast and often for lunch. How I’ve managed to stay the same weight since high school is beyond me.

15. Coffee is my lifeline.

Sitting here in my hotel room . . . reflecting on a pretty successful work day.  My first solo out -of -state business trip. When my boss first propositioned me back in August about taking the trip I took it on as a two fold challenge.

A  personal growth challenge for myself. And a professional challenge to prove to my boss that she wasn’t making a mistake in sending me on RLI’s dime to book some premium.

It’s almost ironic  given the many things I’ve done independently growing up that I viewed this “solo” business trip to Vegas as a challenge.  . . . while at the same time knowing deep in my gut  I would rise above and succeed.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t say that arrogantly. I don’t say it with egotistical pride. I say it because it is a standard I set for myself. If I do something, I very rarely provide room for error. I give it my best. My time. My heart.  My energy. And if the result isn’t as expected I don’t see it as a failure I make myself see it as a learning tool. I allow myself to wallow in self pity for a few minutes but then I pick myself up (however slowly that may be) and I look for the areas I need to improve.

So . .  anyway after that little bunny trail of a paragraph . . the first two days here in Vegas have been great. Met some awesome people. Engaged in interesting conversations. Ate some great food. And most of all . .  I didn’t get lost.

I look forward to what tomorrow may bring.

Interesting right?

The author of a book I’m reading, “The Alchemist”, told an interviewer he would like his epitaph to read “Paulo Coelho died alive”.

To “die alive” to me, essentially means to let your fears die and live.

To die alive (in the author’s context) is to take risks. Big risks. Little risks. Whatever risk. Embrace the consequences. Learn from the mistakes. Enjoy the experiences. Don’t live life under one long yellow caution light.

What is there to  lose? If you think about it, whatever choice you make – you will always  “lose” something. You will “lose” the experience or opportunity or mistake of the path you didn’t choose. Obviously that is there basic definition of a risk.

So what’s the point?

The  point . . . is to choose the risk you have the most to lose from. The risk you think you can’t handle.  The risk that will keep you up at night wondering what the hell you’re doing.

 . . .is not enough time.

24 hours does not allow me to do everything I want to do in a day.

Can someone please invent or create a 48 hour day? At least?

Or create a pill I can swallow each morning so I can fully function off of an hour of deep sleep?

Oh and in that pill? Can you somehow make it turn my mind off? Or at least direct my thoughts down more productive paths? Take my analytical mind off the detail button so it can zoom out and focus on the bigger picture?

I need that bigger picture so I can move forward. The details take up my time.  . .  . and as important as details are or can be . . it doesn’t even matter if you can’t take a step back and connect the dots.

I’m sitting here in Nor Cal, physically out of my comfort zone and I love it. Or at least I want to.

I love being surrounded by  nature. That part is no problem.

The resistance I am trying to embrace is simply not being in my own “home” using my own “stuff”.

I know it’s perfectly normal to want your own stuff. To be in your own home. But I don’t want to be “perfectly normal”. I want to be “perfectly adaptable”. Able to plop down anywhere and make it home.

I’m a huge fan of embracing life. Facing fears. Being  OUT of the comfort zone. All of THAT is what I need to grow. So here I am, in the element I claim to love struggling with all my might to embrace it.

So far, I think I deserve a gold sticker

I “feel” fine, which means I’m undoubtedly stressed.

My face is a huge sign of that. I’m broken out every where like a teenager in puberty.

I hate pimples. Who the hell gets pimples at 26!?!

Whenever I answer the phone at work and I get the mistfortune of speaking to someone not very smart, I have to refrain from placing my finger on the hang up button.

I’ve had to bite my tongue several times this week, so now I can barely talk from all the bite marks.

Every morning is a small struggle to get out of bed. I just want to lay nice and warm under my comforter for “five more minutes”.

My car is making weird noises. I don’t know where to take it, what to say, or how to leave without getting ripped off by mean mechanics wanting to take advantage of a young “clueless” female.

My showerhead is making weird groaning noises too. All I have to do is kick the faucet a few times and it stops. But then it just starts back up the next day.

My blackberry is pooping out on me and I’ve got a month and a half left on my contract before I can get a new one. I’m keeping the fingers crossed.

I’ve been eating horrible for the past month. Starbucks Coffee and Pastry in the morning. A granola bar for a snack. A plate of chips and melted cheese for dinner. Can’t remember the last time I got legit groceries. My body is screaming for nutrients. Vitamins please!!!!

On another note, here is what I do have:

1. A great work environment. I get to laugh, listen to music, cuss up a storm if I want, and wear jeans. nuf said.

2. I have the money to get Starbucks. I have the money to get whatever I want within reason, even a car.

3. I don’t have to work directly with the public. What job is better than that?

4. I have a great homey apartment. I can breath and relax there. Makes me feel safe and secure.

5. I have enough friends to make me laugh and feel loved.

6. I have my health.

7. And most importantly, I am alive.

Actually I take it back, who says that being alive is good? If there is some place after this life, take me there. I wanna see it.

I was driving home from a friend’s house last night and I had a really, really good idea for a post and now that I have time to write it . . .I of course can not for the life of me remember what it was

But because it’s been a long time since I’ve written on here, I feel I should write something. So in the meantime, until something more “meaningful” comes along, here is my current state of mind and life.

Just a got a new tattoo in honor of my mom. LOVE it.

Leaving for Sacramento this Wednesday. CAN’T wait.

Las Vegas first week of November for work. EXCITED.

Going back to Iowa for Thanksgiving. HAPPY.

And Last, But Definitely Not Least: My Life is CHANGING. And I WELCOME it. Embrace it. The Fears, The Challenges, The Opportunistic Obstacles. The Lonliness. The Unknown.

I yell out to our Creator – Bring it. I’m ready.

Ok. It’s about time I belt out a rant post. I’m pretty sure . . it’s been at least a month since the last one. That is a long time in “Holly Time”.

These rants may be a repetition of previous rants .  . . so by all means, feel free to stop reading.

Let me start off by ranting about self responsibility. Seriously, people. TAKE responsibility for YOURSELF. What you say, What you do, What you feel . . everything. Own up to it. Acknowledge it! Don’t place it in the back corner of your mind where it gets lost and entangled in justifications for inexcusable behavior. Don’t you understand? We as humans have this . . .this . . ability to make ourselves the victim. To play a whole row of pity cards. To close our eyes and move blindly through the world day by day – to cause pain, hurt, and disappointment in those around us by not taking self responsibility. Please if you learn anything from this paragraph, learn this: If you fuck up, admit it, face it, own it, and then get rid of it. Oh. and Don’t do it again.

Ok onward to blanket statements. A few days ago I overheard a girl claim  to not be like other  “normal girls”. Perplexed by this, I asked just what exactly is a normal girl. Her response was “Well, I can’t explain it but if you were a guy you would totally get it and be like yeah she’s not a normal girl. Guys just like to hang out with me because I’m just really cool and stuff.”. Umm..can I just say wow? And can I just say that in my opinion . . EVERY girl thinks they get along better with guys? Scroll through my previous posts – I know I’ve ranted about it before. OF COURSE it’s easier for females to get along with males . .. they want in your pants!!!! Nuf said. Not only that but if you can’t explain who or what is a “normal girl”, how can you claim to not be normal? Again, nuf said.

I’ll keep this rant post short and sweet. For those of you who claim to be “tolerable and non judgmental” ….please . . try harder to put those words into action. I have yet to actually see this.

Thank you.