If there is anything I have learned in my short 26 years of life here on this earth it is that you should expect nothing from any one person or any one situation other than your self and a situation involving your self as the main character.
Expectations kill spontaneous moments. Ruin emotions. Manipulate and pressurize any sane person.
Of course, I do hope by now that you have sensed the context in which I am referring to when it comes to expectations. I am not talking about the basic black and white expectations such as . .your boss expecting you to show up to work on time.
I am talking about expecting another person to make you happy. Expecting another person to read your mind and “know” you. Expecting another person to act and/or feel the right things in any given situation to make you feel better. Expecting certain responses. Expecting certain actions and then analyzing and over thinking the situation when your expectations don’t come true.
You see, the problem with those kind of expectations is in our minds we see them as truth. The only way to solve a problem. Make us happy. Make life easier.
So when those expectations don’t happen we get let down. We automatically assume no other situation could be any better becuase in our minds we have already decided that our expectation was the best and only answer.
So where does that leave us? Cause and effect (think about it, I don’t feel like explaining at the moment . .mainly because I’m at work and I should be working) Please, by all means, go ahead and have expectations . . but center and focus them on yourself and live up to them.
I expect myself to love me.
To have the ability to create and feel happiness.
To smile.
To love.
To hug.
To listen.
To take care of my body.
To take care of my mind.
To pay the bills, clean the bathroom, and do the laundry.
To call friends.
To engage in meaningful conversation.
To be aware of self and others.
To be respectful, dependable, and courteous.
To not compromise standards.
To stand up for what I believe in, even if I’m the last crayon in the box.
To accept myself for who I am, what I do, how I dress, how I look, what I say.
To learn from mistakes.
To give.
I expect all of those from me, myself, and I. No One Else.
This has a whole new meaning to me. I used to think it was the most selfish phrase ever. But I decided it depends on how you define it. For me, I don’t think of it in a selfish worshiping sort of way. I think of it as a be true to yourself, choose your path, love yourself, take care of yourself, do not compromise your standards type of “living for yourself”.
I’m trying to live for myself.
I’ll let you know how that goes.
The title of this post is a new theory to me. I’ve never looked at life from that angle before. Crazy right?
For some reason, I’ve always stumbled through life thinking that our “wants” and “needs” fit into two clean categories. That our wants overshadowed our needs. That our wants were in the limelight stealing from our true needs. I’ve always thought of a “need” as the good guy. The “want” as the bad guy.
I am so wrong. There are several different types of wants and needs.
In a book I am currently reading the author makes a comment about how the media is creating needs stronger than our wants. Sooooo true.
Now that I am standing at an angle where I can see this theory, it is easy for me to reflect back and recall all the times my “Need” outweighed the “Want”. It is the “need” within that can drive us mad. Make us act insane. Force us to do things that we otherwise wouldn’t normally “want” to do.
The “need” is like a drug. The result the high. And if we don’t satisfy that “need” it can become suffocating. It can be consuming. All we think about. The “we want what we can’t have” come alive.
Now don’t get me wrong. Not all “needs” are this way. I am obviousy talking about only one kind of “need”. The intense selfish ”need” that is hard to walk away from.
A basic example: You walk through a department store and see a really really beautiful pair of shoes for $500. If you are a shoe person, those shoes may be taunting you. Calling your name. Willing you to “need” them. But what you “want” to do? Is walk away with your money. But what your body is telling you what you “need” to do? Is take that money and buy those shoes.
I think we all have different levels and categories of self gratifying, high inducing, hard to walk away from “needs”.
I envy those who have become disciplined enough to walk away. To turn the other cheek. To suffocate the need instead of be suffocated.
And this whole post just seems almost contradictory because within my two neat categories as mentioned above, I tend to think of a “need” in association with something we can’t live without. Something that is productive and GOOD for us. But the “need” I’m talking about is the exact opposite. Usually it is something that we should live without. Something that destroys and is BAD. Ironic isn’t it that the “good need” is often the thing we can walk away from and the “bad need” is the one we are often tied to.
I claim to be mature for my age. Truth is I’m still very much a baby crawling my way through life. I claim to be above self gratification. Above stupidity. Above selfishness. Truth is, I’m running along with the rest of my generation just trying to blend in and get away with it.
Truth be told. I am weak in areas I claim to be strong. I am strong in areas I claim to be weak.
For once in my life I feel at a loss for words. Maybe that is why I have been silent on my blogging. The path I’m currently walking on feels full of holes and sharp edges. No road map or survival guide. Endless and blinding.
Those of you who actually read my blog may wonder . . . how is that any different from how you normally feel from time to time?
The only answer I can say is that the survival guide I wrote for myself and which has worked in the past, seems to be missing a few pages.
I don’t really feel like blogging anymore on that depressing topic so I will move onto another one.
Topic #2:
Can I just say I am starting to despise the words “cute” and “natural”? You’d think I’d feel some sort of compliment being called “natural”, but I don’t. Let me explain. Whenever a person says the phrase “You’re just a natural person”, it always comes off as saying “You’re kind of plain”. And the reason I say it comes off that way is a combination of the tone of voice and the sympathetic facial features that just kind of emphasis the phrase, “I’m sorry sister but you just don’t cut it”.
The other word I hear is “cute”. Really? When I think of the word “cute”, I think of a baby. Or a little girl. But hey, I guess since I get mistaken to be about 6-8 years younger than I really am . . I suppose “cute” maybe really is the right word and I just need to accept it.
I also hear the word “conservative” alot. As in “you dress conservatively”, which makes me feel like a prude.
Why do these words bug me? I don’t know. They just do. So if you know me, get creative and think of other words.
Thank you.
My last post spawned an interesting conversation (via email nonetheless) with my favorite chick about how the death of a stranger can have a huge impact when there is a common thread (such as aviation).
During our emails I admitted to her I think about what I would do if something happened to the hubby. I had never told anyone that before out of fear of judgement. But like always, she pointed out the inadequacies of my fear and it inspired me to jot down “my plan” on paper.
But before I do that, let me explain, “my plan” is merely a recognition of the raw fact that humans are mortal. My life may not take the road of a fairy tale ending. Nothing in the present guarantees my future. Yet this “plan” makes me feel prepared – as if it won’t hurt as much should it actually happen. And whether or not that has a seed of truth in it, I hope I never find out, but the point is for whatever reason it makes me feel better in the present moment.
So, here goes. My tentative plan.
Right now I live Peoria, AZ ( suburb of Phoenix) with the hubby in a one bedroom apartment.
If my hubby were called out of this life, I would definitely jump on a plane and head back to Iowa for a few weeks. But probably for not much longer than a two or three weeks. I imagine being in Iowa would hurt just as much as being in Arizona given that Iowa is where we started our family of two. My way of coping with grief is to stay busy. I know I would only be able to take so much hugging and grieving and sympathy from family and friends.
More than likely I would hop back on a plane and head back to Arizona. Back to our apartment. I would continue to live and work there.
But I imagine it might be hard though going back to the same apartment and feeling him everywhere and in everything, so think I would strip our apartment clean and re-decorate.
But after the lease is up on the apartment? I think I would move to another state. Make a fresh start. Go on a solo journey. Face my fears. Maybe Colorado. Maybe California. I would more than likely never move back to Iowa.
After that? I’m not sure. I imagine after time has passed I would try to date again ( I know the hubby would want me to) but would I ever marry again? I don’t know. I’m too young to say no. But I’m not dumb enough to say yes with certainty.
Two training planes crashed into eachother mid air today. One of the planes was from Oxford Flight Academy. The other was from Air Safety (the Flight Academy the hubby trained with). Two people walked away. One died. One was airlifed to a hospital.
Word travels fast in the Aviation Industry simply because everyone knows everyone and if there is a crash the phones start ringing to find out if any friends were involved. Since the hubby has become a part of the Aviation Industry there have been several crashes happen here in the valley. Thankfully and selfishly on my part…none of them involved people I knew.
So of course, those of you who know me . . . it’s only natural for my mind to think it’s only a matter of time.
So a student in training died today.
Let me for a moment allow myself to sit in the dark corner of my mind.
That student woke up today and did his normal thing. Not knowing it was his last day. Literally.
Imagine it. See it. Embrace it. Let your body feel the impact of that reality.
And then?
Then look down at your feet. Pick one of them up and move it forward.
Get back in the plane.
I read “Tuesdays with Morrie” a few weeks ago. It it one of those books where you can laugh a bit, cry a bit, and learn a bit. You know . . the type of book where you can put it down and walk away with a another angle to look at life.
Morrie (the main character in the book with ALS) had a very thought provoking theory on feelings. In the book he refers to it as “learning to detach”. As quoted by the book:
Morrie: What I’m doing now . . is detaching myself from the experience
Author: detaching yourself?
Morrie: Yes. Detaching myself. . . . learn to detach . . you know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.
Author: But wait, aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?
Morrie: Yes
Author: Well how can you do that if you detach?
Morrie: . . .detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.
Author: I’m lost
[Ok now PAY attention here . . what Morrie says next is what hit me]
Morrie: Take any emotion, love for a woman, or grief for a loved one . . fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them- you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way,over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, “All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
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Now think about that really hard for a moment. Close your eyes and let yourself wonder back to the times where you have suppressed an emotion. Where you have busied yourself doing something that you normally wouldn’t do just to make the emotion go away.
Now think about the times you have fully embraced an emotion. Where you have laughed so hard your insides hurt. Or when you have smiled so much your cheeks ache. When peace is so abundant it’s all you can bu close your eyes and exhale.
Those moments where we have allowed ourselves to be fully present and embrace the emotion with our entire Being are some of the best memories stored away in my mind for a rainy day.
But the emotions we run away from? Or emotions where we act out in a way not otherwise normal just to feel something different? It’s an awful cycle.
Now, take note, embracing an emotion is Not the same as dwelling. When we embrace, we take both arms and grasp it tightly. We observe, accept, and acknowledge what our body is going through on a sensual, mental,and physical level. When we dwell there is no awareness. Dwelling is when we fall into a deep dark hole full of who knows what but no ladder. Embracing is when we are in that deep dark hole and we take stock of what is around us. The textures,the tools, the smells . . . everything. . .and we build a ladder.
Next time you have an emotion where you find yourself internally shutting down and externally acting out – stop. Close your eyes. Feel it. Embrace it. Name it. Recognize the symptoms. Then climb out of it.
Happy Birthday Mom!
Today, you would have turned 51. Which is weird for me to even imagine, let alone envision. You will forever be 37 years old in my mind. I keep trying to visualize you at 51 and my mind just won’t go there. The best I can do is picture your young face with gray hair . . and it’s not very flattering 
Do you know that by now, some 14 years later, I am beginning to understand so much more about YOU than ever before? Why you did the things you did, said the things you said, felt the way you felt, lived the way you lived. The cleaning, the lecturing, the yelling, the hugs, the kisses, the emotional ups and downs.
Do you know that in October (the 14th to be exact), Desiree and I are actually flying to California to demand answers from your step father? Maybe we’ll finally get some closure to the past you kept so mysterious.
Ben and I moved today to our new apartment. I wish you two could have been able to meet. I’d like to say that you would love him as much as I do. I know Dad and Desiree do!
Mom, your voice has faded from my memory. Your touch has left my senses. But the things you taught me during the short 12 years we had together continue to affect me today. I will never forget those lessons. I will never forget the love. The YOU in me will continue to grow and be spread to every single person I come across.
Happy Birthday Mom!
Love,
Holly
As of late I’ve been really sick and tired of hearing the words “the next step” as in “Well we had a baby because it was the next step” or “we got married because it was the next step” or “we moved to a house (even though we couldn’t afford it) because it was the next step”.
I’m sorry. Excuse me for being a bit vulgar and rude. . but don’t you have a fucking brain? USE IT.
Trust me, I’m all about just “letting go” and jumping off the ledge. Sometimes you have to do that – cast fear aside and do what you gotta do.
But fear is one thing. . .
Taking that next step or jumping of the ledge because you feel pushed to do so? Is Not ok. Pick your brain up, straighten the spine, turn around and tell whoever, whomever, whatever, etc is “pushing you” to back the fuck off.
Do we really truly ever know we want? And I mean want as in…anything…what you want in a spouse, in a friend, in a house, in car, etc etc
What we want is always changing. Evolving. Influenced by peers, strangers, family…even enemies.
And what is the hunger behind that want? A desire to impress? To achieve what we think is happiness, satisfaction, or contentment? An ego boost?
Isn’t it funny how what we “want” can literally change day by day? Even in a minute – depending on who you are currently talking to.
And why are we so focused on wanting to change everything on the outside of our Beings…but rarely on what is inside?
Can you imagine what life would be like if we wanted to work on our inside as much as we worked on changing our outside self? How magically transformed our outside would become as a result of focusing on the inside?
And of course…I do believe strongly in having a balance in life…so focusing on the outside of your self isn’t bad. It’s actually kind of fun. But if it’s all a person is focused on? It wouldn’t matter how much makeup or pretty clothes they wore – true beauty always shines from within.
